Learning to Leisure with Purpose

This morning, as I struggled to hold myself in the downward dog position, a strange thought fluttered through my mind. 

It was about 9:30 on a Friday morning. The Today Show was ambling through it's perky programing in the background and the blazing mid-morning sunshine was kept at bay with the tangled pine and twisty I-don't-know-the-name-of-it trees hanging over the back patio.

I thought, "remember when I used to be knee-deep in emails at this point in my day?"

Then, like a leaf on one of those unknown trees out the window, the memory fell out of my head and into oblivion. That lifestyle is as far from me as the days of five-to-six cups of joe by noon. Actually, those are the same days.

They live in a galaxy far, far away.

Maybe it's the yoga endorphins talking but I feel damn grateful to be able to bask in the late morningtimes now. Ah, to revel in the small ponderings of life outside the full-time workaday grind.

Sure, I'd much rather be in the "working like a dog" position, feeling productive rather than relaxed, but also flexing those financial confidence muscles like a good citizen and productive student debt-ridden statistic.

Eh, maybe our kid will just go to technical school. 

Meanwhile, making a baby with my body hardly fulfills my intellectual need for contributing to a greater cause. Sometimes I marvel at the capacity of women's bodies. Otherwise, I fluctuate between little stabs of guilt for adding to the overpopulation of an often floundering country and wonderings of if I'll ever have the energy to dive back into a demanding career post-baby.

All the conventional wisdom on the subject warns, matter-of-factly, that after birth of baby, there will be no energy, no individuality, no diving back into anything except a trance of sleepless, baby-beckoning psychosis.

Luckily, I've never been one for conventional wisdom, am I right? This isn't the blog of The Conventional Wisdom Newlywed! (Sidenote: how long can I still pretend I am newlywed? Forget childbirth, rebranding is going to be a pain.)

I swim in a sea of leisure time. I laugh in the face of full-time workers! (And secretly envy the lot of you and your thriving 401k's.)

America has a severe drought of leisure time. My flaunting of this freedom is tantamount to societal blasphemy. Each time I venture out of our apartment during business hours, I feel I should wear the visor of Vanessa Stiviano should anyone find out I splurge my 9-to-5 hours with small freelance work, bad attempts at yoga, and vegan cooking.

Power to the ladies who are ashamed to show their faces in public!

Show my face too frequently in the blinding sun of day and surely I become "one of those" who leeches off the system and doesn't deserve...you know, equal pay or opportunity or something.

Of course, none of my imaginary judgers realize that my ever-loving husband works two jobs to make up for my flopping attempt to swing a career step upward whilst sporting a baby bump.

Maybe once Junior is born, he'll (yes, cause he is a boy) have better luck getting a job at an unregulated garment factory than I will have navigating this bloodsport of a new mom breaking back into the corporate workforce.

Of course I kid. Baby modeling is a far better paying gig for our sure-to-be handsome offspring.

In all reality and seriousness, this hiatus of full-time work is a rare and fleeting gift. I realize that.

When I get to stop writing an email and revel in the (very) odd sensation of baby kicking and swirling about in my gut, I can take a few minutes to reflect and connect with the alien child. Recalling the hustle and bustle of my last cubicle job, I doubt I'd have the space of mind left to think about non-tangibles such as unborn swimming babes.

Or, when I get to - yes, this is a luxury - vacuum the apartment daily and clean the kitchen regularly, I feel relieved. It's a dream to live in a perpetually clean and fresh-smelling apartment, can I get an amen?!

And to have a healthy dinner planned and prepared regularly? Bring it.

Like living abroad or getting a graduate degree, I see this pause in career-building as a unique opportunity for personal development. For a few years I was go! go! go! Checking items of my bucket list as quick as I could schedule them.

Freelancer and stay-at-home mom-in-training wasn't on the list but maybe it should have been. It's something most working women contemplate (no? I contemplated enough for both of us) Because, it's foreign and introspective. It's unbridled creativity. It's unglorified and out-of-the-box.

And it's proven to be good for the brain, and good for the soul.

We both know I'll be back for you, intellectually-fulfilling, satisfyingly demanding, corporate-style career. That is, after a nap and a bit more yoga.

Namaste.